desthi

Funny when I re-read  my old blog  and find that I'm able to write a lot of things back then. While now all I can write is super short entry. Too much twit perhaps? And the worse thing is I wrote better when I'm not in a good mood. Maybe it's a way to me to release my steam. But still, I don't want just share my gloomy side, I also want to share happy parts of my life. But when I try to write something when I feel happy it's so lame. Crap..

The last time I wrote an entry I feel so devastated. I think I will need a lot of time to fix myself but it turn out that I only need a man. The fastest way to heal a broken heart is to fall in love again.  I think that works for me. Even, IMO, it's not love what I feel right now. The point is it makes me feel good. To feel the butterfly on stomach again. To feel that there's someone out there still attracted to you. To feel that you're not going to be the forever alone girl. That's all I need to rebuild my confidence on my romance life. And what I need to do right now is to keep everything light and simple. Back to focusing on myself. :)

Tell a girl she's beautiful a million times, and she'll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she'll never forget it. -- @CauseWereGirls True.  But I never think that when a specific person tell that you're ugly is going to impact so much. And I'm struggling with self-deprecation.  Damn.  I never thought that I'm actually going to struggle with my self-esteem. I have high self-esteem. Even my mum said that she's afraid that I'm going to be cocky when I grew up one day, since she saw me that I'm an over-confident little baby girl.. *sigh*  I really need a lot of times to upgrade myself right now.

I met  Kei Savourie  yesterday. No, not just met. I kinda insist to see him between his schedule in Surabaya, actually.. And Kei is the master of heart broke healing *seenaknya bikin julukan* :p Pengennya sih curhat, sambil nangis-nangis kalo bisa, tapi begitu sudah ketemu, ga bisa..  I don't know why, I just can't tell him the reason why I think I should end my relationship, so I can have the right advice..  Since an advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't, right? 

I have great friends. A fabulous support system. When you feel so devastated and can't even think about anything, just contact your friends. Bunches of them. The more the merrier. Anything that helps you to keep on active and smile (even when it fakes one) because once you give yourself an idle time you'll starting back repeating the why questions. So thank you girls and guys for accompanying me. Thank you for not asking questions and just be there for having fun together. :)

Face other people, act like nothing happens, and keep put smiles on my face all day long is a cup cake. Being alone at night is the hardest part. Right few moments before go to bed, when everything just rush back in. Memories. The happy memories that I miss, that I yearn to feel again. Then the questions. When I start ask myself what did I do wrong; why it's not working; why I'm even start this relationship. And start imagining how if I do everything a little bit different. Who knows it will turn out all right.

How do you feel after ending a relationship? Mine, somehow it's relieving.. But it still hurts. So much. I'm on an up-and-down, on-and-off, long-distance-relationship for around a year. And in the end, even it's hard, I have to admit that I'm having a shallow, imbalance, unhealthy relationship. There are times when it feels really, really good, but there are times when it's just drop dead cold. When the cold era comes I can't stop repeating questions to myself; why's he doing this; why's he doing that; why's it seem so hard for him to start conversation or share anything; does he miss me; does he really love me.. Crap.. I'm not even sure how to describe what love is.. I'm in doubt. When I'm in doubt I start to assume and usually it leads to me crying on my pillow till fall asleep. But even it's tiring I don't have a gut to ask my questions to him. So I stick to the assume routine and the late night crying. It's f...